From the Desk of Jon Smith
Chief of Bush Ranch Security
Bush Ranch, Crawford Texas
Jan. 11, 2006
Dear President Bush,
As chief of your ranch security I must inform you of a situation here at your home on the ranch. During a routine walk along the grounds this morning some of my men discovered a family of five Mexicans living inside of your house. There was an old man and woman, their son, his wife and their two year old child. Apparently they all sneaked across the border from Mexico and sneaked into your house where they have secretly been living, as best we can determine, for the past three years. They have no identification and they don’t speak English. Their names are Hernandez.
It seems that they’ve been hiding inside the house, unknown to you or your family or my agents. They’ve been coming out in the wee hours of the night, taking food from your refrigerator and the cupboards as well. This would explain the higher cost of your groceries which we couldn’t understand before; it seems that you’ve been paying not only for you and your family’s groceries but for the entire Hernandez family as well.
They’ve also sneaked into your medicine cabinet regularly to steal your medicines and this is why the cost of your family’s medicines has been so high; you’ve been paying for medicine not just for your family, but for the Hernandez family as well. When the infant was due to be born they went to the hospital for the delivery and, guess what? You paid for that too.
Some of my men wanted to take the family out of your house and arrest them, or even send them back to Mexico; however, after listening to your speeches recently I know that you and Congress don’t like this idea so I told my men that this was “not realistic”, to quote you and Congress. I told them that taking them out of your house would send the wrong message to the Mexican government, and that it might also upset or offend many of the other illegal aliens from Mexico hiding here on other parts of the ranch. I told them that taking the illegal intruders out of the house would be downright ‘insensitive’.
My men also wanted to search the rest of the house, because in talking with Mr. Hernandez through an interpreter we learned that there may be several dozen other illegal alien families living in your house here, in the basement, in the attic and inside of the walls. However, knowing your policy and Congress’s policy on such matters, I’ve instructed my men not to search the house, now or in the future; after all, doing so might send the wrong message to anyone else who might want to sneak into your house and eat your groceries or use your medicine or sleep under your roof. It might also upset or offend the other illegal aliens living in other places on your property, and it might send the wrong message to the Mexican government as well, and I know how concerned you and Congress are about not sending the wrong message to the Mexican government or offending any of the other illegal aliens here in Texas or around the country.
I’ve also instructed my men that, should they inadvertently run into any Mexicans in your kitchen, bathroom or den, they are not to question them or try and discover whether they are part of the Bush family or not; they are simply to be left alone and ignored, free to go about their business and hide back in the walls or basement again. I explained to my men that trying to find out if they were part of the Bush family or not would be racial profiling, and I know how much you and Congress are against racism.
Some of my men were concerned because old Mrs. Hernandez appears to have icky, running sores and is coughing up blood; they thought she might have tuberculosis; her son seems withered and sickly with symptoms closely resembling an advanced HIV/Aids infection; of course, we can’t know for sure without forcing them to be tested but, again, I know that your policy and Congress’s policy on this is just not to worry about it; after all, they have only come inside your house to try and find food for their family so what does it matter if they are carrying infectious diseases? Live and let live, as you and Congress say. Maybe none of your family will be affected, and we’ll just hope for the best.
You will be pleased to hear, sir, that the young Hernandez infant seems to be healthy. And even though the entire family has broken the law by entering your house illegally and living here all this time, I’ve informed them that the young infant is actually now a Bush, since it was born here on your ranch, and that it automatically has all the rights and privileges that all the other Bushes have. They were happy to learn this. They now understand, sir, that you are going to pay for the child’s medical costs and education because it was born while they were here in your house illegally.
Things got a little tense this afternoon when the other Hernandez family members stormed around the kitchen chanting, demanding some sort of ‘immigrant rights.’ They said that they have been washing your dishes at night and cleaning your toilets when you weren’t looking, so they deserve to be full Bushes too. Some of my men tried to explain to them that illegal aliens don’t have constitutional rights in the United States, that only legal citizens and those immigrants who are here legally have rights. But, knowing your policy and Congress’s policy I instructed my men to back away; I explained to the Hernandezes that if they learn to speak English and hold down a job for a certain period of time they will be allowed to become Bushes. Of course, I told them that they will be allowed to continue to live here in your house, eat your groceries and use your medicine while they earn their way toward Bush-hood. After all, taking them out of the house and sending them back is ‘not realistic’; besides, god only knows what it would cost to usher them back over the border. I mean, they are already here after all and they’ve been living in your house for a long time, so it just wouldn’t be feasible to remove them, as I know from listening to your speeches and those of Congress.
I did make it clear to them that this way to earning Bush-hood was NOT amnesty; when they asked me what penalty they would have to pay for the crime of entering your property illegally and living there for years I told them that there would be no penalty whatsoever, as long as they followed the path to Bush-hood; they were a little confused because, even though they don’t speak English, they were under the assumption that when you’ve broken the law for years and then don’t have to pay the consequences, that is the DEFINITION of amnesty. But of course I explained to them, sir, that you and Congress have your own definition of amnesty, and that this isn’t it.
The Hernandezes have asked me to inform you that they demand you give them licenses to drive vehicles on your property even though they don’t have car insurance. They also demand to be allowed to cast votes at all the Bush family functions from now on. They are thrilled to have been treated so much better than American illegal aliens would be treated in Mexico, where they would surely be arrested and jailed. They are so happy about their situation that they’ve already contacted hundreds of their friends and relatives, telling them to hurry over and come into your house because you treat illegal invaders so very politely and with so much tender care and political correctness.
Finally, sir, some of the less understanding employees of the ranch here have started a private group which went down to the property line of your ranch to keep watch, and they were calling my agents to report those illegal Mexicans who are crossing onto the ranch and going into your house every day. But, following your lead, I’ve sent my men down to the property line to hold those legal ranch employees at bay and make certain that they don’t harass or upset the illegals as they cross over and run into your house. I know that’s the way you’d want it.
Sincerely, Jon Smith
Chief of Bush Ranch Security
P.S. Young Mrs. Hernandez is very pregnant and is due any day; you may want to go ahead and pick out a gift for the new baby, since it will automatically be born a Bush.