After the debt ceiling debate debacle, golfer-in-chief President Obama retreated to Martha’s Vineyard for a ten day vacation to eat ice cream, hit the links and ride bicycles with Queen Michelle-Antoinette, the First Splurger, who has reportedly already bilked the taxpayers out of more than ten million dollars for vacations, massages, spas, top shelf vodka and other goodies of royalty which she apparently feels we the peasants owe her. The president promised to unveil a “jobs” plan after he had rested sufficiently from his grueling, tireless efforts to blame others for his failures, and from scolding the Congress for actually expecting him to lead on important issues rather than lecture from the sidelines (imagine the nerve!).
Originally slated for Wednesday, September 7, so as to coincide with a long-scheduled Republican debate in order to try and divert as many viewers as possible from hearing the GOP contenders illustrate his inadequacies as chief executive, Obama’s speech has now been moved, at Speaker Boehner’s behest, to Thursday the 8th. Predictably, the upcoming speech promises to deliver an astronomically anti-climactic, empty, feather-soft, wet noodle sissy punch which will be notable for its audacity in endlessly repeating the same old dead-horse themes, as though swiveling his head from one teleprompter to the other one more time will enable us all to finally ‘get it’. The president will once again exhibit his uncanny, unparalleled ability for redundancy by re-re-re-offering policies which have already failed miserably. He will display his astonishing inability to understand even the most basic principles of economics, free markets and job creation. He will also once again demonstrate his glaring and frightening lack of even that most basic characteristic of intelligence, namely, the ability to learn from past mistakes and alter course.
So, as a patriotic public servant, I am happy to offer an advance preview of the speech to all those who can’t bear to put themselves through the torture of hearing the president’s condescending, petulant cadence again. This will of course not be a jobs speech, but simply another campain speech (for those of you who are concerned that I can’t spell ‘campaign’, be assured that I can; however, listening to the president repeat his worn out rhetorical mantras has become not only boring but also extremely painful to me, as I’m sure it has to many of you; therefore, I refer to them as campain speeches, and unfortunately we will have to endure many more of them throughout the course of his campain in the coming year.
First, let me outline the president’s “jobs outline”. He will:
- Blame George Bush for Obama’s inheriting the greatest catastrophe in human history
- Blame the enormity of the inheritance for not realizing how enormous the enormity was
- Tell us how his policies have us on the right track, and actually expect us to believe it
- Tell us that he ‘brought us back from the brink’ and that without him things might have been far, far worse, and actually expect us to believe it
- Blame the Tea Party Republicans for not letting him spend even more money we don’t have, and call them dangerous and irresponsible for having the gall to oppose his dangerous and irresponsible policies
- Laughably, and with a straight face, call for ‘fiscal responsibility’ after increasing our debt by 6 Trillion dollars in just two and a half years
- Laughably, and with a straight face, call for bipartisanship after, among other things, partisanly ramming Obamacare through an absolutely partisan, filibuster-proof Democrat congress
- Encourage the half of Americans who pay no federal income tax to hate and envy the ten per cent of those wealthy which pay well over half the taxes
- Ask those same ten per cent to pay “their fair share”, even though they are already paying far more than that
- Disparage ‘millionaires and billionaires’, even though confiscation of 100% of their wealth would not even run the government for a year, much less put a dent in our debt
- Refer to more borrowing, more spending and more debt as ‘investment’
- Ask for another ‘stimulus’ plan to add another Trillion or so to our debt despite the fact that the last ‘stimulus’ only ‘stimulated’ unemployment and the federal work force
- Propose to spend untold billions on fantasy ‘green jobs, green energy’ and useless rapid transit which no one will ride: ideas which have been and will ever be net losses in revenue
- Propose to spend untold billions on transportation and ‘infrastructure’, the very things which his “shovel-ready” ‘stimulus’ was supposed to have funded already
- Propose to spend untold billions more on unemployment benefits
There you have it, my friends. In short, although his will be dressed up in cloudy, obscure, vague, over-generalized rhetoric with a good deal of untruth and arrogant condescension thrown in, here is the text and the gist of the president’s upcoming lecture/speech, which I have conveniently condensed for you from the hour plus he will narcissistically take to deliver it:
“Good evening. As you know, America is in a tough economic situation, which of course has nothing to do with my policies or my spending. When I came into office the scope of the disaster left to me by President Bush was worse than I could ever have imagined, and even though everything is far worse now after almost three years of my presidency than it was when I took office, it is not because of my policies or my spending during the two years when I and the Democrats completely controlled the government. Remember, after all, that there were floods and earthquakes and things in Japan and probably some other places, and some market troubles in Europe. I think they also had an unusually dry summer in Canada, so as you can plainly see, it’s not my fault.
“However, after I was elected and saw what deep doo we were in, how unemployment was at 7% and our national debt was rising, I took immediate steps. With my brilliant concept of economics, I immediately began borrowing to get us out of debt, spending to reduce our deficit and printing money to lower inflation. I also began hiring thousands of new federal workers to oversee thousands of new regulations from new government bureaucracies in order to encourage the growth of businesses by making things harder on them. And now I can say that I have brought us back from the brink, for unemployment has gone up two percent since I took office, and the national debt has risen by six Trillion dollars.
“However, there are some in Congress, known as evil Tea Party Republicans, who want to stand in the way of further throwing good money after bad; they seem to think that money is real, and that bills have to be paid. Their unwillingness to compromise and their stubborn refusal let me do even more damage to the economy has done much damage to the economy.
“Also, there are those who feel that they should be able to just keep the money they earn instead of letting me give it to my friends, union cronies and constituents. They fly around in corporate jets and actually keep their money in banks and investments, where you and I can’t get to it. It’s time they stepped up and paid their fair share; 38% of everything they earn is just not enough; they can afford to pay a little more, so that the 50% of you who don’t pay anything won’t have to begin contributing; this is only fair—at least according to Karl Marx (whose ideas, as you know if you read my ghost-written and highly fictionalized ‘biography’, I studied and revered in college). Now, those misguided Republicans call this increasing of taxes on the rich a ‘tax increase’—but it isn’t; it’s simply raising taxes on the rich, to increase ‘revenue’. Revenue; ….revenue.
“But oh yes—this was supposed to be my jobs plan speech; so here it is; to get jobs and the economy going we need to immediately borrow even more money and spend another Trillion or so that we don’t have on phony-baloney, pie-in-the-sky green jobs which don’t work, like the 14 jobs the last batch of stimulus money created with 20 million dollars for winterizing homes, three of which I’m proud to say have actually been winterized. Some, such as those evil Tea Party Republicans, would say that spending 20 million dollars to create 14 jobs doesn’t make sense, because that means each job cost one million, four hundred thousand dollars to create; this is the kind of partisan, obstructionist thinking which the Republicans often use, and they need to compromise more.
“So tonight I’m asking for yet another stimulus package, although I’m not going to call it that. I’ll call it ‘investment’ or a ‘jobs creation bill’…yeah, that’s the ticket. We need to rebuild our infrastructure with a lot more borrowing and spending on look-busy, make-work projects like the ones that were supposed to have been shovel-ready for the last stimulus, except this time we should really spend the money on what I said we would spend it on before. To summarize, we must increase taxes on the rich without calling it a tax increase, encourage class warfare against the job creators, encourage welfare by paying more people not to work, borrow and spend a lot more, and continue to blame President Bush and the Tea Party when our policies fail.
“This is my plan for our economy. In essence, we need lots more of the same things which have already failed miserably.
“Finally, I would like to thank my lapdog mainstream media for doing such a wonderful job of demonizing my opposition while ignoring my ineptitude, for maintaining glaring bias and double standards in their reporting, and also for their endless propagandizing, helping me to convince so many Americans that down is up, black is white, night is day, bad is good, recession is recovery, flashy rhetoric is substantive policy, patriotism is obstructionism, and that a clueless, inexperienced empty suit is a brilliant messiah. I couldn’t have done it without them.
“We knew it would take a while to get ‘hope’ and ‘change’ implemented. We’ve come a long way toward my goal of completely wrecking the economy and implementing my socialist agenda but there is a lot of work left to do; and with your help, given four more years, I assure you that I can screw things up even worse. Thank you and good night.”